Mind Nomad Writing

Where to start? Would it be best to scan each page, proceeding alphabetically, name after name? It seems an assignment with this kind of gravity would be best suited for an exacting and structured approach, combing line by line and straining eyes to find an answer. 

Or maybe it would be better to leave it to fate – open to some random page and with eyes closed summon the will of the universe into my pointer finger and trust that the ink my skin comes into contact with symbolizes the names of those able to bear the weight of my task.

Suffocating self-doubt punctuates and quickly fills the few spaces between rippling waves of responsibility. What should I be looking for? How would I know what qualities to identify? How would I know the difference between helpful and harmful – supportive and stifling – nurturing and neglectful – adoring and abusive? 

Even if my weary eyes and exhausted hands could find the right page, revealing the right names to resolve this quest, what am I supposed to do next? If the energy coursing into and guiding my seemingly haphazard sifting produces some kind of prophesied parental figure, will it also find its way into my mouth to give me the holy script for the impending dialogue?

Dial numbers, wait with heavy bated breath, choke down the fear, form some kind of half-articulate introduction, and invent some kind of couth way to ask whether this stranger is perhaps a hopeful parent? If I imagine the adult on the other side of the phone has been thwarted in all previous attempts at induction into parenthood and that they were also waiting anxiously for this fortuitous call then I might be able to muster the requisite courage. 

Before the thought of this charitable act can sprout the tidal waves of uncertainty crash back in and uproot any fledgling shreds of confidence, sweeping them back out to sea and replacing them with a new current of questions. Even if I can stammer and stutter something intelligible enough to keep my new caregiver on the line, when and how do I mention my siblings? 

Do I choose something wryly humorous and take the angle that they are getting an incredible three-for-one deal? What if they are a very serious and practical person? Do I conjure up some contrived affinity for my kin and play up their greatest strengths? What if they see through this thin veneer and suspect I am selling a false bill of goods? 

All hope and creative problem solving drain out of my body and wash out to sea. 

I really wish she would have given clearer instructions when she handed me the white pages and challenged me to find new parents.

#Parentify me Capin’